Kay-low Destroys Funai Again
by Muchacho1994
Summary: Pure goanimate satire. I own nothing.
1. Caillou Steals His Dad's Car

It was a typical day in Caillou's neighborhood. Kids were running around without parents and subsequently getting raped and killed, the progressive idiots were running around telling people about how LGBT people are better than everyone else and how we need a 1WERLD GUMM1NT (-_-), and Caillou was in the house, talking to nobody in particular.

"Hello. My name is Ka-i-you. I am going to destroy the Funai headquarters, even though there is no reason to be against Funai since all they do is make TVs like Samsung and Panasonic," he announced, in his monotone David voice. "But first, I must steal my Dad's BMW."

So, he walked to the garage.

The "BMW" looked like any other car, thanks to GoAnimate being dickish as usual. Caillou got in and revved up the engine before driving off. The only sound effect for the car repeated over and over as Caillou drove past schools and courthouses. The car looked so tiny. That, or the fence was really tall.

"Yay. I am going really fast up to 100 miles per hour," he said, fist pumping the air with both arms, no longer making any attempt to steer. He put a cassette in, since the car was nearly twenty years old. To his delight, it was a KISS tape.

Meanwhile, Mr. Hinkle was in his backyard, grilling some shit or whatever. A car suddenly smashed through the fence and knocked over his grill.

"What the..." Mr. Hinkle popped his eyes. "Hey. Come back here right now." He ran after the car.

Caillou drove through downtown with KISS blasting, completely unaware he was being chased. Mr. Hinkle was completely out of breath by the time the car that ruined his steak dinner had made it into another neighborhood. At the last intersection before the suburb, he said, "That is it. I am calling the police."

He reached for his phone, but it slipped from his sweaty hands into a rain gutter. There was a pay phone across the street. Hopefully it still worked.

911 was dialed. "Hello, police? A car being driven by a bald four-year-old boy in a yellow shirt, blue shorts, and red shoes recklessly sped through my backyard, damaged my fence, and knocked over my grill while I was cooking."

"Wait, hold on a minute. How do you know it was a four-year-old, and how do you know he was wearing blue shorts and red shoes?" asked the dispatcher suspiciously.

There was a long silence from both of them.

Meanwhile, Caillou had a realization. "I cannot destroy Funai alone. That's it. I must pick up Dora." He turned around, back to where Dora lived about ten houses or so back.


	2. Caillou Gets into a Police Chase

The BMW screeched to a halt in front of a Mexican-styled house- in recent years the jungle surrounding the house had been turned into suburbs, and houses were built around it. It looked very weird.

"Hi, Dora," droned Caillou robotically.

"Hey, Kay-i- _you_ ," Dora droned back in a similar text-to-speech accent, sounding like a messed up valley girl.

"Dora, would you like to go with me to the Funai headquarters to destroy Funai?" Caillou asked her.

They were silent for a few moments, then Dora simply said, "Yes."

"Let's go to the caaaar... Dora," Caillou said. They walked very slowly to the car, then got in, with Caillou getting into the driver's seat.

"But I want to drive," his supposed-to-be-Hispanic-but-looking-more-black-than-Hispanic friend complained, refusing to get into the passenger seat.

"I am driving, Dora. Sorry."

"If you don't let me drive, I will call your parents!"

"Fuck you, Dora. Get in the fucking passenger seat."

 _ **BAAAAANNNG!¡!¡!¡!**_

Dora's eyes popped and her jaw fell open. Then, everything turned red, and Dora began to angrily pump her fists in the air, which in turn caused flaming rocks to start falling from the sky, setting everything on fire.

"OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH!" Dora bellowed demonically in a scary voice, startling Caillou because it was so loud. "KAY-LOU, HOW DARE YOU SWEAR AT ME? THAT'S IT. I AM GOING TO CALL YOUR PARENTS RIGHT NOW."

Caillou knew what he had to do. He started the engine, and floored the gas pedal. He then swerved onto the sidewalk, towards his best friend, and there was a loud "thump" as he drove over her.

"Wah-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ah-arrrr..." Dora moaned in pain before blacking out.

* * *

Sometime later, Caillou had left the GoCity city limits, and was now traveling through the woodsy countryside by himself, past grazing cattle and the occasional silo.

" _I! Wanna rock and roll all niiiiight! And party ev-e-ry day!_ " he sang along, to the only KISS song he actually knew. He sped past a misplaced police station, and in a strange coincidence, an officer happened to be outside the station right as he passed it.

"Busted!" yelled the officer, even though no one could hear him. "That car is driving _really_ fast!"

Caillou heard sirens behind him and jumped. "Oh, no," he sighed. He didn't want to pull over, because then he would get into trouble. "I know," he said, slamming down on the gas with both feet. "I'll just drive faster."

Both cars drove sideways down the road, since there weren't any car props that weren't in a profile view. As the chase continued, it eventually became clear to Caillou that traveling at top speed was not helping him. "I know, I'll just turn around," he decided, jerking the wheel 180 degrees left. The resulting 130 MPH U-turn was so wide, Caillou drove off the road!

Caillou slammed on the brakes, but was going too fast for it to really do any good and it just caused the BMW to start spinning uncontrollably.

He spun into the woods, and when he finally regained enough control of the vehicle to see where he was going, he panicked.

"Oh, shit!" realized Caillou as he reached a clearing. "There is a large pond of water ahead, and I can't stop my goddamn car from moving. I'm going to fucking crash."


	3. Caillou Drives His Dad's Car into a Pond

**"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOWHOOA!"**

After turning into a forest to confuse the police cars that were chasing after him, Caillou found himself _literally_ out of the woods... and about to drive off a cliff into a large pond. He slammed on the brake of his Dad's 1998 BMW 328i, but unfortunately, this did nothing to help his dilemma. Caillou could do nothing but brace himself as he flew off the side of the cliff.

The car hit the water, and... pooped upside-down? Instead of a splashing sound, what sounded more like the sound a bathtub drain makes after you take a bath and pull out the stopper was heard.

 ** _Sorry I couldn't find a splash animation, this is the best I could find ^_^;_**

As the car sank, Caillou realized the passenger side window had a rather large hole in it. He figured when he was trying to maneuver through the forest earlier, he had been driving too close to a branch sticking out from a tree, which broke through the window. He was surprised he didn't know that until now. And, as shitty water rushed in and filled the car, Caillou put his arms up and started punching the air in panic, as if he were cheering that he crashed. "Blub blubblub blub blub blub. Blub blub blubblub blub?" blubbed our little progerian "hero" or whatever, as the water rose over his head. Subtitles at the bottom of the screen translated this as, "This water is so cold. Where's the fracking shore?"

He opened the car door and swam out. Well, more like, he teleported to outside of the car. With a water overlay since it seems that there is no underwater background. He managed to surface, gasping for breath, just long enough to monotonously drone aloud, even though no one else was around, "Now I have to get the car to shore before too much water gets into the inside of the car and ruins it."

Amazingly, all he had to do was touch the car with one finger, and it flew off screen. "There. Now I think the car is back on the shore now again." It was.

* * *

"Rosie?" Rosie raised her hand. The teacher, Ms. Martin, was doing attendance. She continued calling out the names of her students. "Leo? Clementine? Jason? Jeffrey? Caillou?...Caillou?" But Caillou wasn't there. Ms. Martin, becoming somewhat concerned, asked Rosie, "Rosie, have you seen Caillou?"

"Um... um..." she hesitated, trying to think of where she saw Caillou last. "Um, the last time I saw him was at home this morning. He said he had to go to the toilet and he'd catch up with me at the bus stop. And I waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and... and..." Rosie ran out of breath and had to stop.

"...and?" said Ms. Martin, raising her eyebrow.

"... _AND HE NEVER CAME!_ ** _IHADTOGETONTHEBUSWITHOUTHIM!_** " Rosie blurted out before her face hit the desk.

"Jesus fuckin' Christ! I'll be going to call his parents right now!" And with that, the red-headed preschool teacher ran out of the room.

* * *

Dora awoke feeling very dizzy and everything hurt. She groaned in extreme pain, and murmured, "Where am I...?" She sat up, and noticed she was on the curb in front of her house. She saw the tire tracks on her shirt, then looked at the traffic jam she had caused behind her. Suddenly, it all came back to her.

"Caillou ran over me because I wanted to drive and I tried to tell on him!" remembered Dora. "He was on his way to destroy Funai! I'd better get my dad's car to catch up with him! I want to help destroy Funai too."

Dora hopped into her deadbeat father's junky old '86 Ford LTD Crown Victoria and drove off. Even though it was dated and rusty, at least it drove pretty well.


End file.
